Rose Tinted Glasses

A STORY OF FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE

It’s past midnight and I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about how quickly one’s life can change. Suddenly, I get a notification. It’s from Google Photos… 3 years ago today, it says. And then, my thoughts shift to how drastically people can change.

I had only caught a glimpse of the picture preview before swiping it away but I can see the full image as if it were being displayed on a screen before me. I remember that day just like it was yesterday. Life was simpler and you were here, with me. Until the things that should have bound us together drove us apart.

In my usual fashion, I shied away from processing this matter. I judged it too weighty for my heart to handle. I pushed it into the darkest corners of my bosom. And I lied to you, to myself, to them, to God, that everything was fine.

You see, relationships don’t shatter like glass. They fall apart slowly like knitted fabric. And sometimes if you bunch it all up together, you can pretend for a bit that everything is still intact. That’s what happened to us. We fell apart, we let the tension boil over from inside. And when it did spill over, no volcano could compare. My hubris dangerously running into yours in a  clash that destroyed us. But I held on, believing we could fix it.

Everyone says you’re a sweetheart. They say I’m a darling too. And now, they wonder for the life of them how we both managed to create this much chaos. If anyone ever summons the courage to ask me, this is what I would tell them: I loved you and you loved me, but when we came face to face with the ugly in each other, the love was not enough.

And I may never forget the night when what was left of what we had, unraveled completely. A few words, oddly constructed together in the most nonchalant fashion. With the same hands that had once held mine, you tore my heart open. Your words were vague, but the message was clear— “I have chosen myself.”

And maybe today is that day I tell you this: I do not fault you for choosing yourself. I only wish that you had chosen me too. No sacrifice needed to be done.

For many months, I held on to the tangled mess of your yarn and mine, trying to make meaning of it. But you cut yours and left.

It took me long enough, but I have cut mine too. I have gazed in pain at the beauty of what we once shared. I have replayed the memories. I have wandered through the rooms our laughter once filled. And I have survived days when the grief tried to choke life out of me. I have cried the tears I once refused to cry. I have accepted what has come to be.

And in a bitter-sweet twist of fate, I have left the city where we met, where we toiled together, where we built our love and then ruined it. Yet, I know I can’t escape from you and neither can you from me. Our paths will continually cross in awkward ways. My heart will still curl at the sight of you. But it will never be disdain or hatred. Just muscle memory of a heart acknowledging a place it once called home.

I still can’t believe that you have taken your walk down the garden without me. But it is what it is. And I will take mine too without you. But I hope you will watch me silently from your window like I watched you too. I hope you will smile like I did at the mere sight of seeing you happy.

My heart wishes you well. These are not words from rose tinted glasses. This is my truth.

Goodbye Take care, my friend.